I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.