I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
Mitch HedbergMy friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
Mitch HedbergThat would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.
Mitch HedbergI'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
Mitch Hedberg