When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.
Mitch HedbergI got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Mitch HedbergKittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
Mitch Hedberg