You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch HedbergI know people who believe in ghosts but donโt believe in themselves. Itโs kind of sad. Okay you donโt think youโll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
Mitch HedbergI hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!
Mitch Hedberg