I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.