I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.