All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.