Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?