Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.