Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.