Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.