I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.