I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.