I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.