I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.