I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'