I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch HedbergEvery time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"
Mitch HedbergA fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch HedbergI used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"
Mitch Hedberg