Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.