I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."