If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.