If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!