I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"