One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.