A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.

Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.