I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.