I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.