I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'