A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!