I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!