I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.