I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"