I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.