I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.