I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.

I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.