I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.