I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.