My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.