My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

Come on 'long prosperous life!'

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"