I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?"

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.