When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."