When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!