At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."