I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.