My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."