When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.