When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.