I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"