I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.