Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That's the new American dream.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.
Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.
I love hard punch lines, and I like anything that has a strong point of view.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?