What harm has he ever done to you?' 'You know what harm he's done me. He offended me with his terrible taste.

It takes a child to say the unsayable.

It was hopeless, life, really. It was set up all wrong.

It is the act of reading itself that I miss, the opportunity to retreat further and further from the world until I have found some space, some air that isn't stale, that hasn't been breathed by my family a thousand times already.

I'm still not a very good white wine, but I'm drinkable - you could put me in a punch, anyway.

Why is failure the first thing I think of when I find myself in this sort of situation? Why can't I just enjoy myself? But if you have to ask the question, then you know you're lost: self-consciousness is a man's worst enemy. Already I'm wondering whether she's as aware of my erection as I am.

One day, maybe not in the next few weeks, but certainly in the conceivable future, someone will be able to refer to me without using the word 'arse' somewhere in the sentence.