We have no reliable guarantee that the afterlife will be any less exasperating than this one, have we?

It's like this, dear boy, the one in front is blind and the kind one behind is pushing him.

Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

As one gets older, one discovers everything is going to be exactly the same with different hats on.

You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your pay packet on Friday.

Goodnight, my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow.

Exercise is the most awful illusion. The secret is a lot of aspirin and marrons glaces.