When I was three or four, I was really good at drawing and painting, and everyone used to say, "You're going to go to art college." I didn't really know what that meant.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

I find it depressing that people think you have to be on drugs to watch [my stuff], that’s a cop out, use your brain, use your imagination.

If you're going to be a good standup, or a successful standup, or a standup who can work for money, you have to eliminate the possibility of dying quickly.

I don't hate Coldplay to be cool I genuinely hate Coldplay.

Some people have a fear of being on stage. I have a fear of coming off it.

I'd have to do unannounced gigs because your fans will laugh at everything because they know what you do already. What you really want is a neutral audience that isn't too harsh - a good comedy crowd - but that don't know necessarily what you're doing.