Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.