You can't love your team without hating another team.

I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on 'Late Night.' We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn't get a guest - which was often back then since he was just starting out - he would just call me down to be a guest.

It is easier to hate those we love, than love those whom we have hated.

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

I had a show that people thought used a laugh track. It wasn't; it was the real audience going crazy after everything that resembled a joke, that they could technically call a joke.