All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.

Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.