All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.

Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.