Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.

Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.