Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.

[Televised stand-up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film.

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.