When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

I'm not gay, so I don't know much about Broadway musicals.

Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.