When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.

Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!

When I started in Canada, I just did stand-up.

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.