Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.

Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.

Compared to politics, I think sports is funnier, because it's inconsequential. And politics can be real important and all that. The more pointless something is, the funnier it is, you know? And the more grave or important things are... You know, some comedians can get this disease where they get serious all the time.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.