Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

I started on 'Saturday Night Live' the same time Conan started on 'Late Night.' We just had a relationship because I would be upstairs in the studio and whenever he couldn't get a guest - which was often back then since he was just starting out - he would just call me down to be a guest.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

If it wasn't so pointless and ridiculous, it would be more humiliating. Also, if there [Hollywood] weren't so many people as bad as myself - equally untalented people - it would be even more humiliating.