We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves.

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.

Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.