Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

He that searches for praise will often find contempt.