I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

Were there no fools, there would be no flatterers.

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.