I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.