It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.

Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.