They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

I completely understand why a businessman would fire me from 'Saturday Night Live'. Because he was seeing Jay Leno kill 10 minutes a night, doing his monologue with wall-to-wall laughs and applause, then I do 10 minutes a week to, sometimes, breathtaking silence. He's just listening for the laughs.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.

I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people.

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.