Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

There hasn't been an original voice in stand-up since Sam Kinison.