Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.

If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you're all right. I don't have to go to premières.

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.