I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.

Most men appear wiser in their doubts than in their belief.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.

Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.