Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.

Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.